Persevere. Live. Hope. Love.
I became one of those familiar story lines of Christmas – I got engaged! As with anyone who gets engaged, it’s a time of happiness, laughter, optimism, dreams, and hope. However, the road to this moment was not easy for me. In fact, I was a confirmed bachelorette until August 2016 when Ron came into my life.
I was married before. The marriage was annulled in 2006, he was a con artist. It was a devastating time in my life. When the marriage ended I was at my absolute lowest point in life. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined ending up in the depths of despair I found myself in at that time. Never would I have imagined being alone, in a place I could not freely leave, not knowing what was happening in the world around me, not knowing who still loved me, who still cared, or who believed in me. Never would I have imagined my entire future seem so bleak – nonexistent even. The emotional pain physically hurt – I felt like I had a black hole where my heart should be, a deep gaping hole in my chest, and it physically hurt. Never would I have imagined being so gullible and naive as to have been taken advantage of and conned. I was an attorney after all – I was smarter than that! It was a time of immense shame, embarrassment, and despair. I was utterly humiliated and completely humbled. I did not want to continue living. I had no hope.
Out of the depths of my despair, I reached out for help and started counseling. I stopped practicing law to focus on getting better. Unfortunately, the mortgage company, utility services, auto loan company, and others didn’t care that my life was completely turned upside down and I couldn’t go a single day with out crying uncontrollably. So, I had to press on and find work – which I did at a retail store. I also spent time serving others. Serving others does wonders for you – it takes the focus off your own problems. You cannot be self absorbed and in your own pity-party (even when it’s a well-deserving one) when helping someone pick up the pieces of their own life. After 6 months, I returned to practicing law – an excruciatingly difficult decision to make. With the encouragement of family, friends, and colleagues, I mustered the courage to get back into the courtroom.
People often ask me how I got through this time in my life. How did I walk through hell and come out only a little singed? I was a different person to be sure. I no longer trusted people. I really didn’t trust new men coming into my life. I was more cynical and jaded. I was very jaded about love and marriage. But, I was a better judge of character and I was a heck of a lot better attorney.
The answer to how: perseverance. Sure, I prayed a LOT, had a tremendous amount of faith in God, and hope (after counseling) that better days were ahead. But faith and hope are not action plans. It was getting out of bed each day. It was putting one foot in front of the other to go let my dogs out, then to shower, put on makeup, and get dressed. It was using every ounce of energy and strength to go to a job for which I was overqualified, swallowing my pride, and doing what I HAD to do to pay what bills I absolutely had to pay. It was understanding that wallowing in my shame and misery accomplished nothing. It was serving others through my pain, whether it be Katrina recovery, feeding the homeless, helping trafficking victims, or searching for the missing. It was daily, moment by moment, choosing to live. It took effort to get up each day, get out of the house, and live. It was doing and being.
It took 10 years to meet someone like Ron (who himself had to persevere with me!). And even after 10 years, it was a daily struggle to fight the demons of history in my head that screamed not to trust, not to let my guard down, not to let someone into my life. I had to daily – sometimes hourly – choose to not listen to those voices. I had to decide that my past would no longer dictate my future. If I wanted a different future, I had to do something different – let my guard down, be vulnerable, and persevere, fighting through all of the negative thoughts in my head. The fight was worth it.
My story is unique in many ways, but we all have stories of setbacks in our lives whether from divorce, tragedy, or something else. You can make it through. Persevere. Live. Hope. Love.
“..but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” ~ Roman 5:3-5.